Elizabeth M. Johnson

It is all in the name of research. I clicked on a link on The New York Times homepage which seemed so absurd as to tempt my curiosity. What could the “1 rule of a flat stomach” really be? The click leads to a website called Fat Loss 4 Idiots. Ever after this obviously insulting introduction to the site, I continued to peruse through through three pages of pure drivel designed to shame the reader into downloading, for a small fee-always for a small fee-the “Diet Generator” and “Diet Handbook”. Why did I continue clicking, you sensibly might ask? Because for many of us the desire to see the one quick fix is impossible to pass up. Rationally, I know that there is no one rule of a flat stomach. But, I decided to pursue that un-winnable gamble that all of us, from time to time, decide to chance: the easy answer.

It’s early so maybe consider your activities of yesterday in lieu of today’s but think hard for a few minutes about how often you were exposed to ads, promotions or people that promise a solution to your depression, erectile dysfunction, calcium deficiency or extra pounds. The promise is always one simple step e.g. take a pill, download this special report. This distinctly American mentality of the instant solution creates problems on so many levels. One main problem that is created by this false belief system is that we tend to believe that everything can be solved with one simple step. When we are told the truth, we are disappointed and hurt.

I tend to work with my clients for a period of time between 6-12 months, on average. There is a reason for this. I mandate this time frame so I can cut off any false perception that what we are going to be doing is easy and thus personal change will be immediate and amazing. Personal change of any sort takes time. There is healing work to be done, time needed for deep personal questioning and the necessity of an allotment of space for next steps.

A second huge problem created by the false “quick fix” belief system is that, through our disappointment and hurt, we find ourselves without someone or some entity to trust. Last year I wrote a manifesto called Lonely Planet which discussed the sad state of personal relationships. Namely, we have 25% fewer confidantes today than we did just twenty years ago. As humans we need someone to trust; loneliness does not become us. The human(s) we trust is the one who we can be utterly free with. We can fall apart as needed and they won’t run away. Without this person, we are essentially a walking time bomb of emotion and anxiety.

The quick fix is a rotten myth that, depending on how we spend our days (and who with) will wax and wan. Ultimately, the responsibility is our own to decipher what stinks of false promise and what might be the sweet scent of real change.

“The human soul needs actual beauty more than bread.” D.H. Lawrence

InsideOut Courage! is a twelve-week teleseries* dedicated to helping women get more confident by improving their body image. I believe that we all need more beauty in our life. If you think so too, why not start with yourself? Remember when you feel beautiful, you can do anything.

InsideOut Courage! may be for you if you:

• force yourself to exercise
• struggle with perfectionist tendencies
• feel ashamed, anxious or embarassed by your body
• fight with yourself over food

Here’s What We Will Cover in InsideOut Courage!:

• Two main themes: connecting the mental and the physical to our body image
• We will also examine how elements such as perfectionism, mood, sleep and more affect our body image
• The way that we see our bodies is an attitude that we have developed over time. This attitude is not without external influence so we will also look at outside factors such as media, family, friends, and environment and their affect on our body image.

Here’s what the InsideOut Courage! teleseries includes:

• Weekly 90-minute group calls
• Limited, small group size
• The option to listen to missed classes by accessing the recordings of each session
• Three 60-minute bonus calls with myself and carefully chosen experts in specific areas
• Follow-up homework assignments and readings designed to keep you on track in between calls

Here’s what is in it for YOU:

• Greater comfort with your body
• Increased confidence in social and professional settings
• Improved physical health
• Less mental stress and anxiety
• Greater willingness to put yourself first
• Heightened clarity around what is really essential and what can be left behind
• A ready support network of like-minded women

This is the first offering of InsideOut Courage!. The teleseries starts Wednesday October 1. I hope you will join me for this special teleseries that is deisgned to embolden your confidence by improving your body image. Because this is the very first sessions, I am offering very special, one-time only pricing for InsideOut Courage!:

*A teleseries is a group conference call which you access by using your own home or office landline and dialing into a “bridge” line. A teleseries requires no special equipment or technology skills.

“What beliefs guide your life?”

I asked the above question, among others, in the online survey I conducted this spring. I received thoughtful, poignant answers (”trust your instincts”; “strong body and healthy mind go hand-in-hand”; “go big or go home”) which were hugely affirming to me because they do echo some of my own beliefs. I used these responses, and others, as I honed in more closely on my new niche. This cool morning, however, it seemed like an appropriately fresh time, kind of like my own first day of school, to offer out some of my own beliefs.

I believe that a poor body image is one of the major reasons women settle, accept less than what they deserve. I have seen this with my individual clients as well as with women in my workshops. This mindset is a sister belief to the “someday” phrases that pervade some of our speech e.g. “someday I will move to North Carolina.” Thinness is associated with virtue and goodness. Anything less than thin has a distinct scent of unworthiness, unattractiveness, laziness and often stupidity. This is true more for women than it is for men. For men, thinness isn’t a prerequisite for societal success like it is for women. Being overweight has clearly negative societal connotations that no one in this position could ever fail to be less than miserably conscious of all times. Knowing this established truth, is it any wonder that the woman without the ideal body (most of us, yes?) is more inclined to settle in her life? How could she believe that she really deserves more when society barrages her with multiple messages of her inadequacy?

The answer to this is a re-working of how we think of ourselves and our bodies. While there have been some successes against the unrealistic societal expectations of beauty that is thrust upon each of us everyday (think the Evolution film by Dove) individually, we are not going to win a war waged against the media. Enter InsideOut Courage! I want women to re-imagine their bodies, whatever form they happen to be in, as beautiful. I believe that when you feel beautiful, you can do anything. The truth is that when you feel less than beautiful, you hold back. You tuck in. You shut up. You wonder if the last one was your last chance. You question whether or not you really deserve happiness. You allow yourself to be talked in situation that really does suck, it isn’t just your imagination. When you feel less than beautiful, you tend to grin (grimace) and bear it, swallowing continual injustice. You decide to be “the bigger person” and not challenge the insult.

People unfairly judging others is a pastime that is not going away anytime soon, especially in the clear American winner/loser belief system i.e. some of us are winners, some are losers. But the truth is silence poisons; it is not golden. As individuals and collectively, we need to examine what is not being said and act from that truth. What truths do you see through your window?

I am relatively certain it is the doing of my mother. It seems to never go out of fashion to blame one’s mother, does it? In this case, however, the attribution of responsibility to my mother is a positive one.

While my mother is currently the Middle School Director at The Duke School she was, for most of my childhood, a teacher. I remember going to IDS over the summer –the school where she was teaching when we were growing up–and playing in deserted classrooms and on the incredible dangerous, circa 1975, playground equipment. She worked in her 1st, then 3rd grade classrooms, cutting out children’s names, arranging desks, planning lessons while we ruled the empty school outside her classroom. The kids in her classes always had some sort of community service component to their learning experience with her. They adopted wolves, planned food drives and learned about Greenpeace. This kind of community service element was something that my mother offered as part of her teaching years before it became fashionable for school children to adopt a cause. So, I think it was through this growing awareness of animal testing, endangered species and homeless children, that a passion for giving back bloomed within me. I volunteered for years with a greyhound adoption agency doing everything from choosing track dogs for adoption to cat testing to adoption screening to following up with new families. Anyone who has ever done any animal rescue work knows how consuming it can be and so, after I left Linkage to pursue my own coaching career, I also temporarily gave up my work with greyhounds for something more local. Since 2005, I have volunteered with Women’s Support Services of Sharon, CT- a local domestic violence agency.

I found a quote recently in a new book from Phaidon, Dogs, (available at Hammertown Barn) that I am absolutely loved. It applies to our conversation here about being of service. It went something like this, “There isn’t anything wrong with you if you don’t have a dog but there may be something wrong with your life.” While there isn’t anything inherently wrong with you if you aren’t giving some element of you away to a larger crusade than your own life, you may notice that something is off in your life. The caller to the hotline that you volunteer for or the adoptable dog whose crate you are cleaning don’t judge you if you are overweight or just lost a baby tooth at age 35. The elderly woman that you read to every other Tuesday doesn’t mind if you hate to exercise or struggle with perfectionist tendencies. In other words, we need to be of service as much as those who receive the service need us. It’s essential for the growth of strong self-esteem.

What’s the tool(s) that you’ve own that could be put to a greater cause than your own self-satisfaction? Next, consider what greater-than-you need that tool might be able to address. Now, make the connection and observe the effect on your self-esteem. Thanks Mom!

Addendum 8.20: Watch this video to see the way my sister, Caroline, gives some of herself to a greater cause.

I have blogged a great deal about the importance of having a strong support team. One core component of that support team mix that I haven’t given as much attention to -for a variety of reasons- is the role of the mentor. My Master’s thesis was focused on a qualitative study of women who left the law for an alternate career and the (primilarily) sociological reasons behind that departure. I blogged a little about it here.

One of the issues that arose over the course of my interviews was the current lack of a mentor for almost all of my subjects. Some of the women associated it with their more senior level status today (full professors or senior administrators–most of the women that I found went from law to higher education) than when they were junior associates in their law careers. For obvious reason it does become more difficult to find a mentor as you get older and/or become more senior in your current career. Double this level of difficulty for women who are seeking a female mentor. One of the women in my survey said that there was a clear lack of senior female attorneys when she was just starting her career and while men and women enter law school in greater parity today, more women leave the law and leave earlier than men do. Sadly, twenty years later, professional women still have scarcity challenges with finding adequate mentors. And, if professional women can’t find mentors, then certainly other working (and non-working) women have the same challenge.  The need for a mentor is not related to the kind of work that you do.

But having a mentor is a must on your cadre of strong support team people. Sheila Wellington offers a particularly salient piece of wisdom in her book, Be Your Own Mentor, that I want to offer out for women who are seeking a mentor:

• Think about if someone has reached out to you

• Ask them a question or two, and then ask them for advice

• Let the relationship flourish from there

In other words, don’t come out and ask someone to be a mentor. That’s kind of like proposing marriage on date #2. You want/need to get to know the other person (their likes, dislikes, views on religion, children, etc.) to find out if you really want to marry them. It’s the same with seeking a mentor. Coming right out and asking someone to be your mentor is fraught with the potential for serious disappointment. For one thing, are you clear on what you specifically want/need from them? If not, then you aren’t clear on what you want from your mentor. That’s not fair to them. Also, asking someone to be your mentor implies largesse, that they are responsible for your success and happiness. Again, that’s not fair to ask of someone. So, be strategic, as Wellington advises, pay attention to who has taken an interest in you and cultivate the relationship from there.

While there are certainly very real challenges in finding a mentor, the optimal way to be successful in your search is to act with forethought and specific intention. Look at who has expressed interest in your Authentic Self and act accordingly.

Barbara Ehrenreich’s new book, This Land is Your Their Land, offers a series of stinging essays on the state of the two Americas today, contending that the land we live in and call our own, is actually not ours (well, the regular people like you and me anyway) but a vast luxury compound belonging to the very rich and very powerful. Covering everything from health care to workplace bullies to “marriage education”, Ehrenreich leaves literally no stone unturned in her quest to call attention to the usurpation of the everyday person’s power and possibility.

One of my favorite essays, “Got Grease?” (read the essay on-line here), takes a look at the low-fat craze of the 1990’s and its relation to the socio-economics of America today. In short, wealthy people abstain from fat, knowing that unspoken but very real rule that virtue and goodness are associated with abstinence from “bad” foods while the “lower” classes indulge in McDonald’s and are scolded for their lack of willpower when it comes to healthy eating. Okay, I am mixing my metaphors a bit here. Ehrenreich doesn’t overtly connect the obesity issue with the lower classes (perhaps because this essay was originally published in 2002) but she does make the case that eating a low-fat diet is another privilege of the rich: “we might be hogging the Earth’s resources, the affluent seem to be saying, but at least we’re not indulging the ancient human craving for fat. So the low-fat diet has been the hair shirt under the fur coat–the daily deprivation that offsets the endless greed.”

One of the challenges of eating healthily, of course, is being able to actually afford to make those good-for-you choices. This crucial factor is often not addressed at all in conversations about living healthily, as in this otherwise terrific post at Zen Habits. When you have $2 in your pocket for food and no car, there are not many healthy food choices open to you, as Ehrenreich discovered in Nickel and Dimed, shopping at the local mini-mart for breakfast. Think, too, about the food served in soup kitchens and pantries: canned veggies, items with long shelf lives like beans. Seldom are there fresh fruits and veggies. They are just too expensive. Finally, think about what sits in the donation box at the exit of your local grocery store: canned soup, boxes of pasta, microwave popcorn. So, besides a desire to be healthy, one must also have the resources to be able to get to and once there, purchase healthy foods.

Just like the choice to purchase a bottle of Evian or–making even more of a statement–Voss, having the resources to spend the extra on local pesto or purchase a quart of golden raspberries is a privilege of the affluent, as Ehrenreich tells us. So, what does this mean for you? Well, for many of us, the McDonald’s subset (I count myself here although I haven’t touched that garbage in years, permanently scarred as I was by SuperSize Me –just watching the trailer again makes me feel anxious) the reality is clear: we choose healthy food or we choose home heating oil. Like millions of elderly Americans faced with the choice of paying for medications or paying for electricity (or food), we have an awful, unfair choice in front of us: choose one, knowing as we do that we cannot afford both. This is a hard choice, especially, if you have children.

So, what can you do? Here are a few ideas. For obvious reasons, these may notwork for all Americans but hopefully one of them might be applicable to you:

• Shop at a local farmer’s market. Ah, I have discovered yet another benefit to my move. Farmer’s markets in NC will be open for longer periods throughout the year than they will be in CT. Farmer’s markets tend to be well-priced, not mandate minimums (buy 1apple if you want instead of a 5 pound bag), and are good environmentally since the food you are buying has traveled fewer miles than the California avocado you buy at Stop and Shop.
• Cut coupons. Local health food stores, in addition to chain stores, often have coupon books at the counter, sometimes good for a month. Take one and peruse through for healthy items that you might not have tried before. Using a coupon to purchase them makes the extra you are spending go down a little more smoothly.
• Plan ahead. I am pretty poor at putting this principle into practice but in theory, this is a good idea. Don’t go shopping when hungry and stick to your list, of course, but also plan a menu or a meal ahead of time. Make a large batch, freeze and then re-heat and use as needed. This advance prep will count down on last minute expensive trips to the store or take-out place and will ensure, as much as you can, that you have a healthy meal in your kitchen.

I think we need to reclaim this America but before we can get too far, we need to be healthy. Only when we look and feel healthy do we have enough confidence to take a big risk, walk away from a great job or run for local office. How healthy are you?

Plugging away on the elliptical yesterday morning, I saw Dr. Sanjay Gupta on CNN summarizing a recent study by Pfizer which reported that a small study of 100 women who were on anti-depressants showed an improvement in sexual function by using Viagra.  Dr. Gupta pointed out that about half of all patients on anti-depressants suffer from some kind of sexual dysfunction.  Taking into consideration that adult use of antidepressants has tripled recently, leading antidepressants to be the most commonly prescribed drug in the United States, this number is significant.

I don’t know what makes me more angry; the fact that so many Americans are on antidepressants or the fact that the subtle message is that maybe one more pill is the answer.  While I do believe that some of us do sincerely need antidepressants to function, I cannot reconcile the sheer number of people who take them.  I just do not believe that they are truly needed by that many people.  Part of the problem is that our modern society perpetuates the value of quickness over the value of thoughtful consideration. We are encouraged to take a pill rather than ask what is really going on that prevents us from satisfaction and happiness.  This is wrong.

Here’s an idea: why not put aside the pills temporarily and look at what’s really going on in your life.  Could your lack of ability to orgasm have to do with the fact that you are ashamed of your body?  Or unhappy with the quality of your relationship with your partner?  Are there past traumas that have not yet been dealt with?  Or are you anxiety-ridden over your job or your husband’s drinking?  Maybe you are questioning your own sexuality?  The answer is not to take another pill but rather to honestly question what’s not working in your life as a way to get to the roots of the problem, instead of opting to mask it with medication.

Taking the easy way will always be the quickest path to deal with a problem but it’s important to understand that nothing has actually been resolved.  Acting by not acting relegates you to living the worried, anxious, unquestioned existence. Sound good?

Since the sale of my property fell through last week, I have been asking for more of what I want/need than usual. Asking for what you want/ need is one of the cornerstones of putting yourself first, a practice that builds self-esteem. Self-esteem is built because you are taking action (actions always makes you feel more confident than sitting by idly) and because you are allowing someone else to help you.

This latter reason may seem slightly counter-intuitive so let me explain. Allowing someone to help you gently rubs out our unhelpful internal belief system of self-dependence, meaning we often believe that we are the only ones who can make something happen for ourselves. This is simply not true. Look at your heroes. Are they solitary folks who have never asked others for anything? Not usually. People need other people to thrive. From where I sit, most people who don’t ask others for what they want/need are people who are simply surviving, not thriving. These are usually the folks who have difficulty expressing gratitude for the gifts in their life. They also are often the ones who are paralyzed by fear or choices and end up doing nothing, opting to live with that fear, instead of enrolling someone else for their sage opinion or expertise. Lastly, those folks who don’t ask others for help are often the least successful people, not necessarily in material wealth but life balance.

Don’t forget the person doing the helping usually feels blessed to be asked. They know how capable and smart you are and that you can often solve many issues on your own. They also know that you have helped them in the past and feel grateful to you for being able to return the favor. The blessing factor is not small potatoes. Helping you also makes me feel good about me and my capabilities. Therefore, I am helped by the help that I have offered you. It’s a pretty circle of giving and receiving that makes everyone feel warm and needed.

Asking for help is an acquired skill not a sign of dependence or ineptitude. True devotees to personal growth know this.

Anyone who has ever struggled with an addiction (eating, smoking, drinking, drugs) knows nagging does no good. Unfortunately, those concerned by the addicted person’s behavior still persist. They see that it does no good (”the person must want to change,” we are told) but for most of us having the patience to sit by and do nothing feels impossible.

Recently, I saw the nagging issue addressed in The New York Times: should doctors nag their patients about losing weight? The 723 comments (and counting) that followed the brief mention of a doctor who opts to not lecture his patients illustrates just how hot a topic obesity is in our country. I side with the good doctor. Most overweight people are not oblivious to the fact that they are overweight. Indeed, if we are to believe Wendy Shanker, author of The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life, most overweight people, especially women, have tried everything imaginable to lose the damning weight that society endlessly faults them for. Just like anything else, excess weight is not lost because your doctor chides you for it. And, yes, the solution does start with a desire for change, but the person must also be willing to dig into the emotional, often deep-set reasons for the addiction. This combination is an essential one because without it no real progress can occur. Weight can be lost (temporarily), drinking might stop (for a while) but if there is no understanding of the where and the why behind the problem, there will be no permanency.

The second part of the above essential combination (going deep and looking at where/why) will be addressed in my Fall teleseries. More details will be in the next issue of my bi-weekly ezine In The Pink (click here to subscribe) but if you simply can’t wait, click here and let me know how I can ease your mind.

Nagging is often part of the problem, but not a solution to it.

Have you seen Casino* ? Besides being filled with lots of shiny bling, fabulous music and amazing actors the film offers a particularly salient success lesson.

My favorite character in the film is Ginger, played by Sharon Stone. Ginger is, essentially, a beautiful hustler who schmoozes high rollers at the casinos by temporarily offering them some of her sexual glam in exchange for money. In addition to Ginger’s amazing hair and to-die-for clothes–if you are a vintage junkie you will love Sharon Stone’s outfits from the early 1970’s–there’s something else about her that is memorable. Ginger tips out everyone in her circle, like the valets at the casinos. And, she does it with a smile, not grudgingly or with resentment. As a hustler, she relies on others in the know to point her in the direction of the big spenders. The valets and the women who work behind the cages at the casino are people who help her become successful. And, Ginger is successful. Sadly, she hands over all of her money to her old boyfriend who is a total loser but the bigger lesson here is that Ginger is successful because she takes care of and makes other people successful.

Success works like this; it feeds itself. While it’s more than just a belief in spreading good karma so good karma comes back to you, it isn’t a lot more complicated than this. Making other people successful puts you in the powerful position of Resource. Being known as a Resource grants you two things: expertise and–you guessed it–success. You can declare yourself an expert in a certain area, and I strongly encourage you to do this, but you need to be able to back that up somehow. Having other people consider you an expert helps cement that status.

Take a lesson from Ginger: one of the most amazing things you can do for yourself and your career (or your karma) is to make someone else successful. This doesn’t need to be time-consuming or complicated. The next time someone admires the earrings you are wearing, tell them about your closet-jewelry making friend who gifted them to you. Mention her name and tell them that she does jewelry parties and custom pieces for people. Check! That’s all it takes. Or, give someone else part of the kudos for the sale you just made. Tell your boss that Miss Y had dealt with the client initially and was the one who sent the fabric swatches. Check again.

There’s no sure recipe to success, of course. And ingredients like creating continual learning opportunities and building a good support team are not to be discounted. None of these will make you Oprah-rich but they won’t certainly won’t bankrupt you either.

*Casino is a Godfather-type movie so you may want to watch the trailer here before watching the whole movie, especially if the sporadic, sudden violence turns you off.

Close to this time last year, I started to explore going deeper into a specific niche. All of the savviest business builder folks point to niching as the way to create a successful, self-sustaining business. Their position states that you (the business owner) want to have a specific audience in mind. A target audience of “women” doesn’t count. Too big. A target audience of “women business owners” is also too big. But a target audience of women lawyers who are solo practitioners is just right. In choosing a specific niche to work with, that specific audience will flock to you because your service is exactly what they need. The point is you don’t need every woman to be your client, just the ones that really have a need for your service or product. That’s enough.

I had resisted this notion for a while because while it rationally made sense to me, it felt exclusionary. My business model has always been as inclusive as possible: all women were welcome. It didn’t matter their age or education level, what their job was or their race. Every woman I knew could use some self-esteem boosters. Why offer these tools to only a few? The reality is that while thinking I was a specialist–a life coach for women who wanted to become more confident–really, I was a generalist: a life coach who (aside from tackling financial abundance work with clients) would work with women on most issues because so much does relate to self-esteem. [Side note: If in doubt yourself about whether you are truly a specialist or actually a generalist, read Seth Godin's post on this very subject here. Seth Godin is brilliant. There are a few people that I consider to be brilliant. My friend Jevette from grad school is one of them. A friend from Miss Hall's, Marina. Mr. Godin has been on my brilliance list for a while. Subscribe to his blog. His posts offer precious and pithy insight, applicable to anyone interested in distinguishing themselves and their business in a sea of mediocrity.]

Generalist no more, I decided. Initially, I talked to a few experts. These conversations were less successful. If you want details, let me know. After these fruitless explorations, I decided that I was actually the expert and so assigned myself some work to do: surveying the readers of my ezine, In The Pink; talking to my Passionality team leaders; doing some how-to work on niche identification and speaking with a few fellow solopreneurs like my good pal, Sarah Stitham of Revamp.

I have come up with something that speaks to some of my passions (a key aspect of defining a niche) and one that is specific. Right now I am working on the new business name. Keep your eyes open for a post next week, sometime after Wednesday’s issue of In The Pink, which will give the full details. In the meantime, ask how this story relates to you:

• How can you go deeper?
• Are you willing to risk alienating some of your fans/friends to pursue a more meaningful path?
• What have you done recently that scares you?

In a recent workshop, one of the participants wrote to me that she had experienced a great deal of “Aha!” moments over our weeks together but had recently realized she had only been skimming the surface, looking at the easy things. Sound familiar?

She continued in her email that this revelation had created a desire in her to work harder, look deeper, ask for more from herself. It’s not an easy thing to admit that you have been doing the easy work, especially when, after working with me, you know the hard stuff is where the real growth and confidence truly resides. Sometimes we look at easy because it is a default, kind of like using the same weights at the gym. We know we can do it, it’s pretty much second nature so we keep it up. The problem with this, of course, is that your muscles grow bored and you don’t lose any more weight/get stronger/ realize what you really can lift. Can you imagine if you were still doing Explode the Code workbooks instead of graduating to Nancy Drew? It’s the same with looking at easy in your life, too.

Create a little rumble in your own life by asking yourself if you, too, are looking at easy, skimming the surface. How to tell? One way is to look at the issues that surface. Are they same-old, same-old or is there something else going on there? Is is just bad communication between you and your partner or is that just one piece of a whole litany of dissatisfaction on your end. Look closer. It won’t take long for you to determine whether or not you are looking at easy.

Quick, what are you passionate about? The basics come to mind immediately but it’s essential to Authentic Self growth and thriving to consider what also might be hidden below the surface.

Here’s another Authentic Self Exploratory Tip:

Picture yourself in a situation where you must defend yourself or your position on a certain issue. Other factors may include someone acting cruelly toward someone/something or an especially hot day when patience has been tried and exhausted. What is an issue that you feel passionate enough about to defend, whether verbally or physically? An example: I saw an older woman dripping with heavy jewelry, leaning against a sparkling white Mercedes, yank a little dog off the ground by its collar and leash. She tossed it off the ground and through the car door, as if it where an errant sweater. I was furious and sorely tempted toward physical violence. What injustices really boil your blood?

Behind the anger from an injustice is one of your Authentic Self passions. An Authentic Self passion is a great tool to use as you explore life purpose. For example, a business cannot thrive without passion. You can work your 9-5 without having any passion for your job but if you want to start your own business you must have a passion for it. Why? Because with so many uncertainties inherent in the starting and maintenance of a new business, passion is a must because it will get you through the times when the check doesn’t arrive, the client cancels or your shipment is lost.

So, it’s worth taking a closer look at what you feel compelled to defend or protect. Contained within that is some element of your Authentic Self that once understood, will allow for more meaningful personal growth and confident decision-making.

Trust me. You want to be a fly on the wall in one of my workshops. Not simply because I am a skilled facilitator (although I am) or because I bring coconut cake for a participant’s birthday (although I do) but because the women who attend my programs offer amazingly keen personal insights that you really want/need to hear.

On Thursday’s session of Awaken Your Passion, one of the women mentioned that she had questioned herself, after watching coverage of Tim Russert’s funeral services, what her own personal code of conduct would be. What a delightful question! The concept of a personal code of conduct is especially relevant because a great deal of conversation in Awaken Your Passion centers on the definition of our personal values via Authentic Self exploration and group activity. Outlining a personal code of conduct is a similar journey. Your personal code of conduct must be based primarily on one aspect of your Authentic Self: your values. Your values are the most essential ingredient in a personal code of conduct. But, what else must be inherent in your personal code of conduct?
Here are a few ideas to get your started:

1) Start with Your Word . Use that one word as a springboard from which to work. My word, after much deliberation, is impassion. So, I ask myself how must I bring “impassion” into my daily code of conduct? What action, for youthen, is implicit in your word?

2) What about a hero? In Awaken Your Passion, we juxtapose our heroes and their qualities with ourselves as away to gain greater power and control over our own lives. How might your hero and her qualities be included in your daily code of conduct?

3) Incorporate purpose. In The New Feminine Brain, Dr. Mona Lisa tells us that we are more prone to life-threatening illness if we are without a life purpose. Why are you here? Take the quiet time alone to answer this question to the best of your ability for where you are right now. Use it in your code.

When you have 1-3 ironed out, select a visual. What picture or image do you associate with strongly? Adopt it as the personal representation of your code. An image enables association more strongly. Think swoosh (Nike), the Starbucks’ siren or the ultimate in evil–aside from Wal-Mart--the golden arches of McDonald’s.

You may decide to 3D your personal code of conduct, maybe as a Happiness Project. One more recommendation–don’t over-think this project. Spend time on it, yes, but don’t let perfection take over in the process! If prone to perfectionist tendencies, work on it piecemeal. Give yourself a time-line and stick to it to ensure that you are not consumed by the fine details, losing sight of the larger picture.

Happy creating!! Let me know how it goes.

It’s almost summer–the first day of summer is actually tomorrow!–and many of us love to get our hands in the dirt of our garden. I don’t actually fall into this category but I do love the idea of reaping what we sow, so instead of the physical garden, I ask you to imagine the mental garden of your life; a place that frost cannot touch, bunnies won’t chomp on and flowers always bloom.

Here are a few tips to Grow Your Own Garden:

1. Savor Everyday Joys. Smell the fat, dewy peony which blooms so briefly in your yard. Take the 15 minutes to go pick a quart of warm strawberries from your local farm. Get out the dog comb and brush your beloved greyhound for 5 minutes in the sun.

2. Think on It and then Let Go. Don’t attempt to solve everything today. Remember that most of the time, most everything is actually not in your realm of control. Instead of lamenting the chaos of limbo, acknowledge what is on your mind and then release it. Breathe.

3. Study New Subjects. Get ye to the local library! You can get practically any book, DVD or audio CD in the world (if I can in my small, rural corner of the world then you can too). Borrow a different magazine. Join a town committee. Learn something new.

4. Give, Give, Give. Say a prayer. Offer to watch a friend’s children. Pick up random garbage. Mail someone’s letter. Give a friend the business. Donate old clothes. Share a compliment. Give something away on a daily basis. Likely, as is the case with most of us, you have too much. It will come back ten-fold.

Growing your own garden allows for perpetually blooming, your own! What would you add to this list?

Do you preface, or end, most comments with a self-deprecating comment or “I don’t know,”?
“I don’t know,” seems innocuous enough but the words that we use to talk about ourselves are key to our self-esteem. They serve two purposes: 1) to teach how we want to be treated and 2) to show what is important to us. Our words can be unintentional teachings e.g. when we talk negatively, we send the message that our thoughts, opinions, belief systems matter less than other people’s. This is a form of verbal violence that we commit against ourselves. This verbal violence is an invitation to get cut off, remain un-promoted, under-valued at work or be emotionally disparaged! Yikes.

When someone compliments your new pedicure, do you tell them that it is actually turned out a lot shinier/darker (read:worse) than you had hoped? If you do (as I *almost*did yesterday), then not only are you committing verbal violence against yourself but you are also negating the gift of the compliment that you gave them. That’s not only showing your icky, ungrateful side but also not winning you any future kudos either. Consider shifting your perspective to see compliments as an invitation to share a bit of your Authentic Self with someone through your response to their words.

Instead of speaking out of habit (”I don’t know,”) or negating a received compliment and perhaps committing verbal violence, choose words intentionally which allow your authenticity and integrity within self to ring through. Doing so honors your Authentic Self while simultaneously building self-esteem. If this is too much of a stretch, especially if a compliment flows your way, concentrate on just speaking two, always acceptable words: “thank you”.

If Wendy Shanker in real life is anything like Wendy Shanker author, I really want to hang out with her. Anyone who writes, “I have no patience for people who won’t eat this and won’t eat that…Three cheers for discipline but, like, stay home and eat.” is someone I want to know. YES! Stay home, indeed. Being a scone/muffin/pastry-a-day gal myself, an immediate sense of camaraderie flooded my senses upon reading these lines and it has stayed. Shanker, author of The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life, is a laugh-out loud, intense author who isn’t afraid to call it like she sees it. Shanker invites women to take another look at their own bodies and their (twisted, unsafe, atypical, {fill in your own word here}) relationship with food in an attempt to show all of us that thin is not holy, deprivation is essentially unhealthy and fat is a feminist issue! It’s feminist because fat, as a societal judgment, is not equally pejorative for men and women. The judgment of fat is more often used against women (by both men and women) as an instrument of shame and belittlement than it is against men. Like me, I bet you know plenty of fat men who seem perfectly comfortable (and why wouldn’t they be? No one calls them “fatty”. . . ) with their extra girth? Gives you pause, doesn’t it?

With The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life Shanker proves to be a bright beacon in an otherwise murky sea of societal pressure, celebrity worship and cruel prejudice. We all need a Wendy Shanker in our lives to remind us to occasionally re-check our perceived reality, step away from that scale and move toward what’s truly beautiful: a love and appreciation for the body that we do have.

A recent issue of the ABA Journal featured an article, Gender Gap Due, in Part, to ‘Ambition Gap’?, which looked at why women are so under-represented in “lawyer-laden” political circles. The question of whether or not women are “intentionally” steering themselves off the path to partnership or whether they are blocked on that path (as sociologist Mary Noonan questions in the article) is not as black or white as it appears and the real reasons for the discrepancy are much more nuanced, as I explored in my Masters’ thesis.

Namely:
*Women in our society are more highly valued by how well they care for others and less valued for their ambition, “cockiness”, and desire to make money. ‘Nuff said. Women reading this know there is no need to elaborate on this point.
*The only value a lawyer has is in their ability to bill clients. That’s it. It’s less important–and can prove to be career-endangering–to write articles, work cooperatively, niche yourself or any of the other networking tools that the rest of the business world embraces as effective. The inherent value in billing is less of an issue for men who are expected to devote 100% to work (it’s where the bulk of their self-esteem comes from, unhealthy yes but very true) but it is a huge issue for women who are expected to do it all and do it all well: work and family.

And–newflash to Martha E. Neil, article author: it isn’t just politics that women are represented in when it comes to law! There are fewer women partners in law firms; fewer women judges; fewer women general counsel. The list goes on and on. The one legal area where there appear to be more women is public service. No surprise there.

In short, an “ambition” gap isn’t really the issue. The issue is more about taking a closer look into how society views men and women and then looking at how those views influence the choices that we feel we need to make.

According to a 2006 study by the American Bar Association the percentage of female law school entrants is at 50% and greater parity appears to have been reached within this traditionally masculine field. Yet, women are leaving the law sooner and in greater numbers. Fewer women are able to achieve the benchmarks of success that men have attained within the same field. But who defines success? For my research of the possible disconnect between a woman’s view of success and that of society and the subsequent effect on personal self-esteem, my work takes an in-depth look at a group of established female lawyers who decided to leave their seemingly successful careers for an alternate profession. And so I sought to answer the above question, “why are women leaving the law?”, over the past year. This research constituted the bulk of my Master’s thesis which I am pleased to announce has been accepted. Thank you, thank you!

In the end, I came to two significant conclusions from this research:
1) a significant number of previous female attorney’s ideas of what constitutes success varies greatly from what is typically defined as success by American society
2) The acceptance of a commonly accepted idea of success in lieu of an individually defined one causes dissatisfaction which leads to a loss of self-esteem.

What else did I discover? Here are a few key findings:
*Women put themselves and their needs on the back burner to their physical, emotional, psychological detriment. This is serious. This goes for women in any profession, although law, by its very nature is so utterly consuming that women lawyers are at a higher risk for complete immersion into their professional self, than a woman who does work that is not measured by the billable hour economic model.
*Individuals must define success for themselves instead of defaulting to the socially acceptable definition of what success means for us as women, or, for that matter, what it means for men. We each need to define success for ourselves–no easy task, I realize–so that we feel happy, satisfied and fulfilled in all areas of our life, not just our professional life.

If you would like a copy of my thesis, click here and request it via my contact page.